Wednesday, February 3, 2010

On Healing Oneself

I believe I will heal myself.  I truly believe Christ when he said that with faith the size of a mustard seed we will do the same things he did, and even greater.  I am in the process. I am trying to "get there", and in my trying I have learned much, and still I know nothing.  I feel like I did when I was learning to bowl.  One moment aware of the placement of my feet, then the way I was holding the ball, then how I was moving my foot, then how my arm was swinging, this far back? no, further? Start swinging forward? No, another fraction of a second..... Eventually I started bringing it all together more smoothly. I gained some control over the spin of the ball, and could sometimes succeed in hitting the sweet spot just between the 8 and 10 pin (is that right? It's been so long..) and knock over all the pins, without crossing the foul line. A strike!  In spiritual practice I am able to experience the all-encompassing love for all of creation/mankind, the peace that passes understanding, and so on. I am a Christian mystic.  I can reach the desirable state, and even maintain it for some time... alone, in my own space.  I find it extremely difficult to maintain my love and peace almost the moment I step outside my door, and start experiencing the imperfections of the world around me. Why does it have to be so freekin' cold out? Why didn't I make it to Abuquerque? Why does that neighbor have to be so obnoxious and inconsiderate?   I am only starting to remember to even try to forgive immediately, not judge, stay connected to the divine, etc.  Part of the problem is that I am fumbling my own way along with this.  It's like trying to figure out the best way to consistently succeed in bowling on one's own. It can be done, but will happen sooner and more surely with the guidance of those who figured it out before us.  Where will I find them?  I want to ask, so how does the true Christian behave when.... I don't know when to apply which principal.  I can ask "WWJD?" but often I don't know the answer.  So I pray, and I know I am forgiven for my errors.  When will I actually "get there" enough that I do manifest the miracles promised?