Saturday, April 16, 2011

I Think My Life is Sending Me a Message

I just reread some of my older posts and I am amazed at how much has changed since then - all of them!  First, the new friendship I was so excited about has flamed out rather quickly.  I am so hurt and disappointed!  Without any reason that I can determine, she has suddenly quit talking to me, and can find no time in her busy life to spend with me.  This has been especially hurtful these last several days ( 5? 6? I have lost count), when I have been mostly bedridden with my pain. I am going crazy with the isolation! For days I've talked to no one but my dog.  I have texted her and  her answers have been terse.  She says it's because she's so busy.  But I found out from her that some of this time she is so busy watching her grandkids has been at her request - despite her many complaints that she has had them too much and needs a break!  It seems to me like she is keeping busy intentionally to avoid me.  Also, although she was busy before, she checked in with me almost every day, asking me how I was doing, filling me in on her activities. Now she doesn't.  So much for being the great compassionate Christian I thought she was.  On top of that, I have caught her lying and stealing from me.  She apologized, and I forgave her, but that does not seem to have restored our relationship.  Maybe she is just too ashamed.  I am sad if that's the case, and hope she will face her truth and deal with it.  I have come to believe she is in a great deal of denial.  I think that when we were just getting to know each other it was, for her, like having a new toy. Now, it seems, she has tired of it and moved on.  
     The group I was so happy to belong to on Flickr also fizzled out.  Everyone just quit participating, stating busy-ness as the reason. 
     I also have a friend of over 30 years that has faded away on me.  I keep on trying to keep it going, but she is obviously just not interested.  She no longer shares with me what is going on in her life.  Getting her to tell me anything is like pulling teeth!  Her e-mails are so cryptic I can hardly figure out what she means. She almost never returns my calls, and she takes no interest whatsoever in my life.  Again, she claims busy-ness as the reason.  The problem I have with that is, she has encouraged me to move closer to where she lives, claiming she can be more present to me if I live closer. So I have applied, and I am on the waiting lists of several places near her.  I am just so afraid I will put in all that effort to move, only to end up even more hurt, disappointed, and alone than ever.  I mean, how damn hard is it to pick up the phone? It's easier than driving somewhere!  I know that now she is dealing with the sudden shocking news that her brother has bain cancer. I am so sorry for her and her whole family that this is so. But I am here for her, willing to listen, support, console, observe, reflect, etc... - as I always have been!  She does not apparently need me.   I still need her, and I could understand doing without her presence during this difficult time, if not for the fact that this has been going on for a very long time now - meaning, her absence from my life. 
     It hurts to be so alone in life, and to have no one.  So I am thinking this being let loose from every tie I have had (my family turned their back on me eons ago when I first came down with this disease. "We have discussed it and agreed that it is not appropriate for you to need help at your age" !!!!!- that's my disfunctional alcoholic/addictive family of origin)... I am thinking it is my life saying to me, "Now is the time to go to Albuquerque where you've wanted to be for years now."
    So I have started preparing to move.  I will be so glad to be away from this place! The insanely poor construction which allows me to hear my downstairs neighbors as if they are in the same room with me has made it like a living hell, given the crazy people that have lived below me.
    I don't understand why my life was detoured here, on my way to Albuquerque two years ago, and I am willing to live without the answer.  But I am not willing to stay here any longer.  I am just too desperately unhappy, despite all my prayers, and meditation, and positive thinking, and accepting the things I cannot change, and "looking for the good", etc...  I have tried to be happy here, and I just CAN'T!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Trip to E.R.- feeling better

One of the problems of living with severe Fibromyalgia is sorting out the pain signals.  You become so accustomed to pain that is medically meaningless, that you don't know when it is too much, when it signals that something else is going on. Sometimes the pain is so bad it just overtakes my brain; I can't think straight. I rarely get this bad -- maybe 3-4 times per year. I take the max of all the kinds of painkillers I have: Ultram, T-3 (codeine), Ibuprofin 800 mg., and it may as well be water. I can only lie in bed and try to sleep through it, but unable to because the pain is so bad. I feel like I want to crawl out of my body to get a break from the unrelenting head-to-toe pain. While my feet and calves feel torturously pained, and might be helped with some cream (Burt's Bees for feet and legs) I cannot even bear to reach down that far to apply it. This is when I pray for the release that death would bring, and wonder why God keeps me alive, so useless is such a life.
That is what I was experiencing on Mon. and Tues.  But finally I used my phone-a-friend option yesterday afternoon, to discuss my symptoms, and she (my sister-friend, Monica) made the sensible suggestion that I call my doctor's office. Honestly, I just didn't think of it! By that I mean, I just couldn't tell it had gotten to that point. Now, it is not uncommon for me to have a sensation of chest muscle pain and constricted breathing due to the fibro. But this was strong enough to suspect something else, so the nurse told me to go to the e.r. to rule out heart trouble or pneumonia - which they did. I was glad my neighbor-friend, Deb, was available to drive me, so I didn't have to go by ambulance.
It turns out I have "asthmatic bronchitis".  A nebulizer treatment and pain shot  later I was a whole new person! (I don't think I have ever had Toreadol before) So I left with a prescription for an inhaler and antibiotic.
This morning I feel back to normal, except for the headache, which is a side effect of the Doxycycline. By "normal" I mean, normal for me: in pain, but able to cope with it. One thing I gained from this experience is the knowledge that maybe an option for me in the future will be to get a shot of Toreadol when I get this bad. Also, when I do get this bad, chances are the flare-up is being triggered by another illness which may be treatable, which will help relieve the flare-up. If you read this blog to learn about fibromyalgia, that is the important thing to take away from this post.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Healing theoryand what I am trying now

It seems to be a common theory that there is a linkage between stress and Fibromyalgia, and I can say this is what I believe, based on my own experience.  A huge part of my stress has been an unbelievable lack of support in my life -from my family, my church, my community, my "support groups" etc, Add on top of a rather amazing amount of bad luck, on top of some ignorant choices in relationships that turned out to be disastrously bad for many years beyond me trying to leave them behind, and a downright evil employer, all of which has been compounded by a broken-down "system". It's not just that I am broken down, but that so is the world we live in. I have been especially disappointed in the so-called "Christians" in my life.  I am a Christian who practices what I profess to believe, and I am not judging the ones I meet who don't.  I am just confused by them.  All that being said, I have been incredibly blessed to have met my new friend, who has been a neighbor for just over 2 years now.  We didn't connect up before now, I think because her life was taken up with other things. She has been wonderfully supportive, kind, nonjudgmental, and has encouraged me to talk to her about the years of gut-wrenching difficulties. She is a Christian in the truest way imaginable: compassionate. In the last couple of weeks I have shed buckets of tears, as I felt I would need to do if I was ever to heal.  I have known I was carrying them because I was so busy just coping with the difficulties, and trying to care for my children, that I never had the opportunity before to  process and grieve. It was so needed, and has been so good for me.  It isn't surprising then, that my pain levels have significantly decreased.  Maybe that is what all "fibromyalgics" need - to cry long and hard, to wash away the stress toxins that build up in our bodies, and won't leave through any other means- diet, "detoxes", exercise/sweat, meditation/relation, and all other means.  I saw on some cable show recently, that scientists analyzed tears - all kinds of peoples tears, and found that they are full of stress chemicals.  Maybe tears are the best way, or maybe even the only way, to clear the poisons from our bodies.  Regardless of others, this is working for me. I am deeply grateful to my Higher Power, and my friend.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Been too sick to blog...

You know it's bad when you can't even find the energy to type!  I had a sinus infection that took a course of antibiotics and a lot of days in bed to deal with.  I am back to "normal" now, but it seems like I have a lot to catch up on: atc swaps, filling requests, making art, the journal group I am trying to get going (at my local Caribou) plus Dr. appts.  On top of that I have these noisy neighbors that are young and go to bed at 3 a.m. and get up at 7 a.m.  I think they are truly hard of hearing b'cuz they talk so loud, even lying in bed next to each other!  And our floors are thinner than the walls around here. We can hear our neighbors cough and sneeze. Plus, these two argue and yell, and rough-house a lot, and bang on the walls, slam doors etc.- all between the hours of 11 p.m. and 8 a.m. Quiet time is supposed to be 10 p.m. to 10 a.m. Don't get me started on the video games!!!  He is very verbally abusive as well.  I find it all very disturbing.  The worst of it is, this puts me in a position of sleeping during the day, and being up all night, which is fine with my body function.  BUT:  I can't get to the doctor!  And I really need to.  I have an unidentified inflammation problem to be looked into. My rates (SED & CRP) are, in the words of my dr. "Crazy high!" Sed is 81.  So next I see a rheumatologist to see if s/he can find the cause and treat it, or next we start looking for cancers. Yikes!  This could be big!  and I can't get to the doctor cuz of these youngsters. I did finally write up a complaint and got it to the office on Fri. I hope that makes a difference.  I am praying for help with this. I will take all the prayers I can get!!!

Friday, September 3, 2010

What a hard day is like.

Today is the kind of day that reminds me why I wanted so badly to live in Albuquerque.  We are experiencing a major shift in the weather which sets off my fibro so badly. My pain is so bad that even the codeine isn't helping. I need to live in a steadier weather pattern. It isn't any particular kind of weather that sets me off; it's the changes.  I suspect it is related to barometric pressure.  I think that is also what is behind my body's preference to sleep daytimes and be up nights. ( I wish I knew more about barometric pressure.)  The thing about fribromayalgia is, it is not just one kind of pain involved. For example, the deep ache that is talked about in the  commercials is only one type of pain. That happens to be under control today. There is a layer of pain that feels closer to the surface and is like a burning blanket over that whole depth of my body, which is what is bothering me so badly right now.  There are many other symptoms to this syndrome as well, such as fatigue, sensitivities, stiffness - separate from the other symptoms. I wish I felt more fatigued today; then I could sleep though the pain, at least. But my mind is fairly clear and my energy fairly good. Can you believe that can be a bad thing?  This is such a strange condition. I wish they would find the cause/ a cure. This day is very high on the "bad day" scale, though not my worst. Today I am wondering why I have to live like this, but I am not praying to die.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

A cheery pick-me-up!

I just got the cheerful news that I won the ATC (Artist Trading Card) lottery for the ARTchix Playgroup I belong to on Flickr.  That means over the next week or so I will be getting wonderful art pieces in the mail. It is such a bright spot in my life to belong to this group of wonderful and talented artists, and even more so when I receive my winnings.  I have a smile on my face right now.  In all, this has been an upbeat day for me- pain level under control, energy level fairly high, brain fairly clear, and the weather gorgeous.  I am usually at my worst on the nicest days, so that makes this an especially great day.  I spent lots of time outside enjoying my dog's company (picture posted below; isn't Rizzo adorable?) and doing art journaling and slurping an iced latte at Caribou.  My heart is full with gratitude.

left side of 2 page spread

Journal entries based on songs from my childhood

Thursday, August 26, 2010

One of "those" days..

I just realized I have come to view my life in terms of "types of days".  For example, today was one of those very high pain days- a "codeine day".  The good news is, my energy level was good, my stiffness was low, and my mind was pretty clear.  In terms of the several types of days I tend to have, this is a pretty good one-- better than most.  The pain is difficult to bear until it is under control, but it does respond well to the codeine. Although I am not painfree then, I am highly functional, (with a tendency to overdo things and regret it later.)  I have had several days in a row of not being able to stay awake much, sleeping all day, then up from 1 a.m. (or so)  until around 8 a.m., and then back to sleep again.  I get very frustrated with myself on those kinds of days.  I especially hate the brain fog and the feeling I should be accomplishing something, although I can seldom think of what.  I ususally feel a great deal of guilt, and yet I know it is beyond my control, and that I needn't feel that way. I realized I was neglecting taking my iron, and I have been anemic recently, so I wonder if my feeling better is related to taking iron?  I have felt especially pleased with my progress on some art projects. I find myself creatively energized. I love that. In fact, I think this is a good time to go to work on the collage alphabet book I am doing.... Later Gators!