Saturday, April 16, 2011

I Think My Life is Sending Me a Message

I just reread some of my older posts and I am amazed at how much has changed since then - all of them!  First, the new friendship I was so excited about has flamed out rather quickly.  I am so hurt and disappointed!  Without any reason that I can determine, she has suddenly quit talking to me, and can find no time in her busy life to spend with me.  This has been especially hurtful these last several days ( 5? 6? I have lost count), when I have been mostly bedridden with my pain. I am going crazy with the isolation! For days I've talked to no one but my dog.  I have texted her and  her answers have been terse.  She says it's because she's so busy.  But I found out from her that some of this time she is so busy watching her grandkids has been at her request - despite her many complaints that she has had them too much and needs a break!  It seems to me like she is keeping busy intentionally to avoid me.  Also, although she was busy before, she checked in with me almost every day, asking me how I was doing, filling me in on her activities. Now she doesn't.  So much for being the great compassionate Christian I thought she was.  On top of that, I have caught her lying and stealing from me.  She apologized, and I forgave her, but that does not seem to have restored our relationship.  Maybe she is just too ashamed.  I am sad if that's the case, and hope she will face her truth and deal with it.  I have come to believe she is in a great deal of denial.  I think that when we were just getting to know each other it was, for her, like having a new toy. Now, it seems, she has tired of it and moved on.  
     The group I was so happy to belong to on Flickr also fizzled out.  Everyone just quit participating, stating busy-ness as the reason. 
     I also have a friend of over 30 years that has faded away on me.  I keep on trying to keep it going, but she is obviously just not interested.  She no longer shares with me what is going on in her life.  Getting her to tell me anything is like pulling teeth!  Her e-mails are so cryptic I can hardly figure out what she means. She almost never returns my calls, and she takes no interest whatsoever in my life.  Again, she claims busy-ness as the reason.  The problem I have with that is, she has encouraged me to move closer to where she lives, claiming she can be more present to me if I live closer. So I have applied, and I am on the waiting lists of several places near her.  I am just so afraid I will put in all that effort to move, only to end up even more hurt, disappointed, and alone than ever.  I mean, how damn hard is it to pick up the phone? It's easier than driving somewhere!  I know that now she is dealing with the sudden shocking news that her brother has bain cancer. I am so sorry for her and her whole family that this is so. But I am here for her, willing to listen, support, console, observe, reflect, etc... - as I always have been!  She does not apparently need me.   I still need her, and I could understand doing without her presence during this difficult time, if not for the fact that this has been going on for a very long time now - meaning, her absence from my life. 
     It hurts to be so alone in life, and to have no one.  So I am thinking this being let loose from every tie I have had (my family turned their back on me eons ago when I first came down with this disease. "We have discussed it and agreed that it is not appropriate for you to need help at your age" !!!!!- that's my disfunctional alcoholic/addictive family of origin)... I am thinking it is my life saying to me, "Now is the time to go to Albuquerque where you've wanted to be for years now."
    So I have started preparing to move.  I will be so glad to be away from this place! The insanely poor construction which allows me to hear my downstairs neighbors as if they are in the same room with me has made it like a living hell, given the crazy people that have lived below me.
    I don't understand why my life was detoured here, on my way to Albuquerque two years ago, and I am willing to live without the answer.  But I am not willing to stay here any longer.  I am just too desperately unhappy, despite all my prayers, and meditation, and positive thinking, and accepting the things I cannot change, and "looking for the good", etc...  I have tried to be happy here, and I just CAN'T!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Trip to E.R.- feeling better

One of the problems of living with severe Fibromyalgia is sorting out the pain signals.  You become so accustomed to pain that is medically meaningless, that you don't know when it is too much, when it signals that something else is going on. Sometimes the pain is so bad it just overtakes my brain; I can't think straight. I rarely get this bad -- maybe 3-4 times per year. I take the max of all the kinds of painkillers I have: Ultram, T-3 (codeine), Ibuprofin 800 mg., and it may as well be water. I can only lie in bed and try to sleep through it, but unable to because the pain is so bad. I feel like I want to crawl out of my body to get a break from the unrelenting head-to-toe pain. While my feet and calves feel torturously pained, and might be helped with some cream (Burt's Bees for feet and legs) I cannot even bear to reach down that far to apply it. This is when I pray for the release that death would bring, and wonder why God keeps me alive, so useless is such a life.
That is what I was experiencing on Mon. and Tues.  But finally I used my phone-a-friend option yesterday afternoon, to discuss my symptoms, and she (my sister-friend, Monica) made the sensible suggestion that I call my doctor's office. Honestly, I just didn't think of it! By that I mean, I just couldn't tell it had gotten to that point. Now, it is not uncommon for me to have a sensation of chest muscle pain and constricted breathing due to the fibro. But this was strong enough to suspect something else, so the nurse told me to go to the e.r. to rule out heart trouble or pneumonia - which they did. I was glad my neighbor-friend, Deb, was available to drive me, so I didn't have to go by ambulance.
It turns out I have "asthmatic bronchitis".  A nebulizer treatment and pain shot  later I was a whole new person! (I don't think I have ever had Toreadol before) So I left with a prescription for an inhaler and antibiotic.
This morning I feel back to normal, except for the headache, which is a side effect of the Doxycycline. By "normal" I mean, normal for me: in pain, but able to cope with it. One thing I gained from this experience is the knowledge that maybe an option for me in the future will be to get a shot of Toreadol when I get this bad. Also, when I do get this bad, chances are the flare-up is being triggered by another illness which may be treatable, which will help relieve the flare-up. If you read this blog to learn about fibromyalgia, that is the important thing to take away from this post.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Healing theoryand what I am trying now

It seems to be a common theory that there is a linkage between stress and Fibromyalgia, and I can say this is what I believe, based on my own experience.  A huge part of my stress has been an unbelievable lack of support in my life -from my family, my church, my community, my "support groups" etc, Add on top of a rather amazing amount of bad luck, on top of some ignorant choices in relationships that turned out to be disastrously bad for many years beyond me trying to leave them behind, and a downright evil employer, all of which has been compounded by a broken-down "system". It's not just that I am broken down, but that so is the world we live in. I have been especially disappointed in the so-called "Christians" in my life.  I am a Christian who practices what I profess to believe, and I am not judging the ones I meet who don't.  I am just confused by them.  All that being said, I have been incredibly blessed to have met my new friend, who has been a neighbor for just over 2 years now.  We didn't connect up before now, I think because her life was taken up with other things. She has been wonderfully supportive, kind, nonjudgmental, and has encouraged me to talk to her about the years of gut-wrenching difficulties. She is a Christian in the truest way imaginable: compassionate. In the last couple of weeks I have shed buckets of tears, as I felt I would need to do if I was ever to heal.  I have known I was carrying them because I was so busy just coping with the difficulties, and trying to care for my children, that I never had the opportunity before to  process and grieve. It was so needed, and has been so good for me.  It isn't surprising then, that my pain levels have significantly decreased.  Maybe that is what all "fibromyalgics" need - to cry long and hard, to wash away the stress toxins that build up in our bodies, and won't leave through any other means- diet, "detoxes", exercise/sweat, meditation/relation, and all other means.  I saw on some cable show recently, that scientists analyzed tears - all kinds of peoples tears, and found that they are full of stress chemicals.  Maybe tears are the best way, or maybe even the only way, to clear the poisons from our bodies.  Regardless of others, this is working for me. I am deeply grateful to my Higher Power, and my friend.