Wednesday, April 14, 2010
My intention in creating this blog was to track my symptoms, and I have not done well with it. I figured out that when I am feeling really bad then I am in too much pain to type, and when I am feeling better, I don't want to. I want to play! I have been very up and down lately. Today I am in mega pain. I have taken a T3 which I save for my worst days, and so far I am still bad off. On the better days lately I have taken my furry companion to Riverside park and walked a little, sat a little, journaled a little, and it's been glorious! Other times, like today, I roll around on my bed moaning, and praying for God to end my suffering. It is a crappy existence if you ask me. One interesting note about all this is that my brain/ mental energy has been far better since I cut back on my Cymbalta (anti-depressant) a couple weeks ago. My libido has made a comeback as well, which is a double edged sword. It makes me think about having a guy in my life again, and I don't want to want a guy in my life again! I have loved not wanting or missing a male presence. I have not done well in that arena so far in my life, and I felt God was holding me in a place of grace, not to be missing it. But I admit, somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I would someday "go there" again. So now must be the time. I am very clear with my self about what I want in a relationship. I just have zero hope of ever finding it. I really don't want a fulltime guy. I don't want someone who will demand a lot of my time. I want to keep having lots of time for myself and my art. Some time of companionship, affection, and wild-monkey-sex, would be lovely. Now go away, and don't call me for a couple days. I'm busy. I certainly don't want to lose myself in a relationship ever again, or dedicate myself to someone completely as I have in the past. I just wonder if I can really avoid that. It seems to be in my nature, that when I love I do it wholly and completely. It is certainly in my ideals. But I also have some new ideals that involve loving and caring for myself. I have the ideal about a love relationship that I can do both. But I am scared to death of testing that. Ah, well, who isn't?