Saturday, April 16, 2011

I Think My Life is Sending Me a Message

I just reread some of my older posts and I am amazed at how much has changed since then - all of them!  First, the new friendship I was so excited about has flamed out rather quickly.  I am so hurt and disappointed!  Without any reason that I can determine, she has suddenly quit talking to me, and can find no time in her busy life to spend with me.  This has been especially hurtful these last several days ( 5? 6? I have lost count), when I have been mostly bedridden with my pain. I am going crazy with the isolation! For days I've talked to no one but my dog.  I have texted her and  her answers have been terse.  She says it's because she's so busy.  But I found out from her that some of this time she is so busy watching her grandkids has been at her request - despite her many complaints that she has had them too much and needs a break!  It seems to me like she is keeping busy intentionally to avoid me.  Also, although she was busy before, she checked in with me almost every day, asking me how I was doing, filling me in on her activities. Now she doesn't.  So much for being the great compassionate Christian I thought she was.  On top of that, I have caught her lying and stealing from me.  She apologized, and I forgave her, but that does not seem to have restored our relationship.  Maybe she is just too ashamed.  I am sad if that's the case, and hope she will face her truth and deal with it.  I have come to believe she is in a great deal of denial.  I think that when we were just getting to know each other it was, for her, like having a new toy. Now, it seems, she has tired of it and moved on.  
     The group I was so happy to belong to on Flickr also fizzled out.  Everyone just quit participating, stating busy-ness as the reason. 
     I also have a friend of over 30 years that has faded away on me.  I keep on trying to keep it going, but she is obviously just not interested.  She no longer shares with me what is going on in her life.  Getting her to tell me anything is like pulling teeth!  Her e-mails are so cryptic I can hardly figure out what she means. She almost never returns my calls, and she takes no interest whatsoever in my life.  Again, she claims busy-ness as the reason.  The problem I have with that is, she has encouraged me to move closer to where she lives, claiming she can be more present to me if I live closer. So I have applied, and I am on the waiting lists of several places near her.  I am just so afraid I will put in all that effort to move, only to end up even more hurt, disappointed, and alone than ever.  I mean, how damn hard is it to pick up the phone? It's easier than driving somewhere!  I know that now she is dealing with the sudden shocking news that her brother has bain cancer. I am so sorry for her and her whole family that this is so. But I am here for her, willing to listen, support, console, observe, reflect, etc... - as I always have been!  She does not apparently need me.   I still need her, and I could understand doing without her presence during this difficult time, if not for the fact that this has been going on for a very long time now - meaning, her absence from my life. 
     It hurts to be so alone in life, and to have no one.  So I am thinking this being let loose from every tie I have had (my family turned their back on me eons ago when I first came down with this disease. "We have discussed it and agreed that it is not appropriate for you to need help at your age" !!!!!- that's my disfunctional alcoholic/addictive family of origin)... I am thinking it is my life saying to me, "Now is the time to go to Albuquerque where you've wanted to be for years now."
    So I have started preparing to move.  I will be so glad to be away from this place! The insanely poor construction which allows me to hear my downstairs neighbors as if they are in the same room with me has made it like a living hell, given the crazy people that have lived below me.
    I don't understand why my life was detoured here, on my way to Albuquerque two years ago, and I am willing to live without the answer.  But I am not willing to stay here any longer.  I am just too desperately unhappy, despite all my prayers, and meditation, and positive thinking, and accepting the things I cannot change, and "looking for the good", etc...  I have tried to be happy here, and I just CAN'T!

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