Been too sick to blog...

You know it's bad when you can't even find the energy to type!  I had a sinus infection that took a course of antibiotics and a lot of days in bed to deal with.  I am back to "normal" now, but it seems like I have a lot to catch up on: atc swaps, filling requests, making art, the journal group I am trying to get going (at my local Caribou) plus Dr. appts.  On top of that I have these noisy neighbors that are young and go to bed at 3 a.m. and get up at 7 a.m.  I think they are truly hard of hearing b'cuz they talk so loud, even lying in bed next to each other!  And our floors are thinner than the walls around here. We can hear our neighbors cough and sneeze. Plus, these two argue and yell, and rough-house a lot, and bang on the walls, slam doors etc.- all between the hours of 11 p.m. and 8 a.m. Quiet time is supposed to be 10 p.m. to 10 a.m. Don't get me started on the video games!!!  He is very verbally abusive as well.  I find it all very disturbing.  The worst of it is, this puts me in a position of sleeping during the day, and being up all night, which is fine with my body function.  BUT:  I can't get to the doctor!  And I really need to.  I have an unidentified inflammation problem to be looked into. My rates (SED & CRP) are, in the words of my dr. "Crazy high!" Sed is 81.  So next I see a rheumatologist to see if s/he can find the cause and treat it, or next we start looking for cancers. Yikes!  This could be big!  and I can't get to the doctor cuz of these youngsters. I did finally write up a complaint and got it to the office on Fri. I hope that makes a difference.  I am praying for help with this. I will take all the prayers I can get!!!

What a hard day is like.

Today is the kind of day that reminds me why I wanted so badly to live in Albuquerque.  We are experiencing a major shift in the weather which sets off my fibro so badly. My pain is so bad that even the codeine isn't helping. I need to live in a steadier weather pattern. It isn't any particular kind of weather that sets me off; it's the changes.  I suspect it is related to barometric pressure.  I think that is also what is behind my body's preference to sleep daytimes and be up nights. ( I wish I knew more about barometric pressure.)  The thing about fribromayalgia is, it is not just one kind of pain involved. For example, the deep ache that is talked about in the  commercials is only one type of pain. That happens to be under control today. There is a layer of pain that feels closer to the surface and is like a burning blanket over that whole depth of my body, which is what is bothering me so badly right now.  There are many other symptoms to this syndrome as well, such as fatigue, sensitivities, stiffness - separate from the other symptoms. I wish I felt more fatigued today; then I could sleep though the pain, at least. But my mind is fairly clear and my energy fairly good. Can you believe that can be a bad thing?  This is such a strange condition. I wish they would find the cause/ a cure. This day is very high on the "bad day" scale, though not my worst. Today I am wondering why I have to live like this, but I am not praying to die.

A cheery pick-me-up!

I just got the cheerful news that I won the ATC (Artist Trading Card) lottery for the ARTchix Playgroup I belong to on Flickr.  That means over the next week or so I will be getting wonderful art pieces in the mail. It is such a bright spot in my life to belong to this group of wonderful and talented artists, and even more so when I receive my winnings.  I have a smile on my face right now.  In all, this has been an upbeat day for me- pain level under control, energy level fairly high, brain fairly clear, and the weather gorgeous.  I am usually at my worst on the nicest days, so that makes this an especially great day.  I spent lots of time outside enjoying my dog's company (picture posted below; isn't Rizzo adorable?) and doing art journaling and slurping an iced latte at Caribou.  My heart is full with gratitude.

left side of 2 page spread

Journal entries based on songs from my childhood

One of "those" days..

I just realized I have come to view my life in terms of "types of days".  For example, today was one of those very high pain days- a "codeine day".  The good news is, my energy level was good, my stiffness was low, and my mind was pretty clear.  In terms of the several types of days I tend to have, this is a pretty good one-- better than most.  The pain is difficult to bear until it is under control, but it does respond well to the codeine. Although I am not painfree then, I am highly functional, (with a tendency to overdo things and regret it later.)  I have had several days in a row of not being able to stay awake much, sleeping all day, then up from 1 a.m. (or so)  until around 8 a.m., and then back to sleep again.  I get very frustrated with myself on those kinds of days.  I especially hate the brain fog and the feeling I should be accomplishing something, although I can seldom think of what.  I ususally feel a great deal of guilt, and yet I know it is beyond my control, and that I needn't feel that way. I realized I was neglecting taking my iron, and I have been anemic recently, so I wonder if my feeling better is related to taking iron?  I have felt especially pleased with my progress on some art projects. I find myself creatively energized. I love that. In fact, I think this is a good time to go to work on the collage alphabet book I am doing.... Later Gators!

Finally posting again

My intention in creating this blog was to track my symptoms, and I have not done well with it. I figured out that when I am feeling really bad then I am in too much pain to type, and when I am feeling better, I don't want to. I want to play!  I have been very up and down lately.  Today I am in mega pain.  I have taken a T3 which I save for my worst days, and so far I am still bad off.  On the better days lately I have taken my furry companion to Riverside park and walked a little, sat a little, journaled a little, and it's been glorious!  Other times, like today, I roll around on my bed moaning, and praying for God to end my suffering.  It is a crappy existence if you ask me.  One interesting note about all this is that my brain/ mental energy has been far better since I cut back on my Cymbalta (anti-depressant) a couple weeks ago.  My libido has made a comeback as well, which is a double edged sword.  It makes me think about having a guy in my life again, and I don't want to want a guy in my life again!  I have loved not wanting or missing a male presence.  I have not done well in that arena  so far in my life, and I felt God was holding me in a place of grace, not to be missing it.  But I admit, somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I would someday "go there" again.  So now must be the time.  I am very clear with my self about what I want in a relationship.  I just have zero hope of ever finding it.  I really don't want a fulltime guy. I don't want someone who will demand a lot of my time.  I want to keep having lots of time for myself and my art.  Some time of companionship, affection, and wild-monkey-sex, would be lovely. Now go away, and don't call me for a couple days. I'm busy.  I certainly don't want to lose myself in a relationship ever again, or dedicate myself to someone completely as I have in the past. I just wonder if I can really avoid that. It seems to be in my nature, that when I love I do it wholly and completely. It is certainly in my ideals.  But I also have some new ideals that involve loving and caring for myself.  I have the ideal about a love relationship that I can do both.  But I am scared to death of testing that.  Ah, well, who isn't?

On Healing Oneself

I believe I will heal myself.  I truly believe Christ when he said that with faith the size of a mustard seed we will do the same things he did, and even greater.  I am in the process. I am trying to "get there", and in my trying I have learned much, and still I know nothing.  I feel like I did when I was learning to bowl.  One moment aware of the placement of my feet, then the way I was holding the ball, then how I was moving my foot, then how my arm was swinging, this far back? no, further? Start swinging forward? No, another fraction of a second..... Eventually I started bringing it all together more smoothly. I gained some control over the spin of the ball, and could sometimes succeed in hitting the sweet spot just between the 8 and 10 pin (is that right? It's been so long..) and knock over all the pins, without crossing the foul line. A strike!  In spiritual practice I am able to experience the all-encompassing love for all of creation/mankind, the peace that passes understanding, and so on. I am a Christian mystic.  I can reach the desirable state, and even maintain it for some time... alone, in my own space.  I find it extremely difficult to maintain my love and peace almost the moment I step outside my door, and start experiencing the imperfections of the world around me. Why does it have to be so freekin' cold out? Why didn't I make it to Abuquerque? Why does that neighbor have to be so obnoxious and inconsiderate?   I am only starting to remember to even try to forgive immediately, not judge, stay connected to the divine, etc.  Part of the problem is that I am fumbling my own way along with this.  It's like trying to figure out the best way to consistently succeed in bowling on one's own. It can be done, but will happen sooner and more surely with the guidance of those who figured it out before us.  Where will I find them?  I want to ask, so how does the true Christian behave when.... I don't know when to apply which principal.  I can ask "WWJD?" but often I don't know the answer.  So I pray, and I know I am forgiven for my errors.  When will I actually "get there" enough that I do manifest the miracles promised?

Happy Freakin New Year

I haven't written for a while, and that's because I have been basically feeling crappy on a reglar basis.  Tonite I am writing because I am feeling particularly crappy.  The reason for that is "peri-menopause" which, for the record, really SUCKS!  I have decided the reason "god" or "nature" or "evolution" invented this unmentionably gross and disturbing mess, with the full blown psychotic hormonal imbalance that accompanies it, is so that if any children remain at home who are really old enough to be out on their own, this will surely drive them away!  It will also reward the man who has stuck around long enough to still be with "his woman" for all the crap she had to put up with from him through the years.  (It is more likely to drive him into the arms of a younger woman, if he didn't already go there during his midlife crisis).  I am particularly pissed off about this now because I had 2 whole blissful months without "mother nature's gift" and thought I was through with this. It's been like this for what-2 years, now? (seems like 10) All of the woman I know my age (52) and older, and all the ones I know a few years younger than I, have been without this problem for years now. (My best- friend says hers just taper off and quietly disappear -the bitch)  Why am I still there?  Is it the price I pay for getting wrinkles and grey hair 10 years later than everyone else? Hey, how is that fair?  I got a "chest" later than everyone else.  Besides, I started my cycles at a normal 15 years old, and it was tough then, too.  One thing I am VERY EXTREMELY grateful for, is modern day feminine products.  I cannot imagine going through it like this during my grandmother's era, or earlier.  I don't even want to try to imagine it.  I am also grateful that I live alone so that I have been able to stay home, mostly in bed, with the 2 days of paralyzing emptiness and depression I felt, without the pressure of feeling like I was letting anyone down, or in direliction of duties, or needing to act all cute-and-wonderful for anyone.  I am sure it hasn't helped that the sun hasn't been able to poke so much as a ray through the thick grey cloud cover for at least 5 days in a row now (or longer, I've lost track). It has caused me to repeatedly question why I am still here in Minne-snowta, and not in Albuquerque where I wanted to be, and tried to get to. (see previous posts regarding my R.V. ripoff debacle) .  I am praying that God's answer is that I am meant to win the HGTV Dream Home Giveaway (which just happens to be located in my dream city).  Oh, look at the time!  It's been more than 24 hours since I last placed an entry. So, off I go. I am going to give God all the help I can.